how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
