woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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