I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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