I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
