Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
