3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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