I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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