...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you win again, gameday.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
