Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
