It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
