I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
