Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
