I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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