pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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