she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
