Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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