i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
