I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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