I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
