im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
