She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
