Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
