This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
