I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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