you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
