Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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