Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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