My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
