fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
