Small penises have feelings too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
