He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
