I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
