Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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