I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
