just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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