The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
