in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
