This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
