Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize