She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
True strength comes from lack of pants
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
