Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Randomize
