so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
