when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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