I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
my being single is dangerous.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
