ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
