We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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