Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
