If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
