So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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