Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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