Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
