I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
