come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
