Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He has the fingertips of a God
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