you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.