remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
