I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
