Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
