Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
