alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
