I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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