I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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