I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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