my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Barsexuality is the new black.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
