god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
