can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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